Can't you keep my hand to yourself?!
Tuesday, April 18
  Ironic Deaths

Just for fun, if each of our friends died an ironic death, how would that individual die? defines irony to be: A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect.

So, have fun, and leave a comment.
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I think it would be pretty ironic if Foosh were involved in an accident where he is sent back in time several million years. His death - pushed into a tar pit by his pet sloth - isn't particularly ironic, but the discovery of the cave blog he kept (to keep him sane) inspired Bill Gates to design the Windows logo, and his fossilized bones disprove evolution.
Johnny negligently throws a lit cigarette in a trashcan filled with kleenex. The trashcan catches fire and Johnny dies of smoke inhilation. Oh wait....ironic doesn't mean most plausible does it?
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It's ok, Tony. Anything is possible when it comes to Johnny.
I think if Johnny saw posters advertising an amazing sale of porn while shopping in a comic book store, only to check it out and fall into what was actually an ambush setup by a group of murderous Wash U students angered by his Stud Life comic. It's ironic because he was lured to death by the porn he so loved.

Ben's is easy: Tank, about to die in a hail of gunfire a la inner city gang warfare, is saved as Ben dives in front in a selfless act of sacrifice. Ben, despite being shot numerous times, would die a slow, painful death. Statisticians would elaborate on just how insanely small the odds of that were.
I disagree, Ben would not sacrifice his life for Tank.
well, not without a compensation of some sort anyway
So, what you're saying is, for money you'd die for Tank? That makes no sense whatsoever. When would you spend it? Are you assuming that you'd have years between compensation and death? Essentially, I could offer you millions of dollars to die, and then not have to pay you. Please re-think your death-for-compensation policy.
Ok, I got a few:

I would be stabbed to death by a green-skinned, glowey-eyed, lanturn-and-chef's-knife-weilding midget.

Sara would be trampled by rampaging emus.

Mei would die of a botched medical procedure (fucking fisios).

Monica would die in childbirth.

J would be gunned down in cold blood in a Rambo-esque rampage by Hillary Clinton in 2008 just after losing the presidential election.
After Lee is stabbed by the first improbable midget, a second midget with a speech impediment, a bulbous nose and wearing a pom-pom hat attempts to sell him stuff. After all, everyone knows that once a fight is over, as long as Lee's friends are still alive he has 1 hit point left and can still buy things.
Jeremiah, at age 95, dies peacefully in bed just hours after receiving a nobel prize. He is surrounded by his close family and friends, who flocked to his deathbed upon hearing that he had suddenly fell ill soon after winning the lottery jackpot for the 5th time.

It is said that he joyfully exclaimed 'I can now die in peace' as he forever departed the company of many adoring eyes. Tens of thousands of people would attend his funeral, millions more would pay him tribute with a candlelight vigil.
hey...why do i have to die in childbirth? i don't even like kids that much!
Well, if you were to die in childbirth, you would have to first succumb to your maternal clock and abandon your current hatred for babies. After 9 months of pregnancy, you'd have fully accepted your upcoming role as a mother. You'd have baby-proofed your home and aquired many baby related gifts, all in the spirit of welcoming your former arch-enemy into your life.

Your death during childbirth would prove that your former (current) view of babies as little, ugly, devil-people was right (or at least safer) all along.
Tony, the compensation policy works so that I get compensated/paid IN ADVANCE in return for taking a bullet for him or something. As we all know from watching asian movies, asians can be shot more than once and still be alive, right J?

Mike, you really think crazy uncle Jeremiah will live until he's 95?

Speaking of midgets....
Some people don't seem to understand that these deaths are ironic. Your death via childbirth is ironic Monica, because you don't even like children.

Lee, well done. You have shown an above average understanding of irony, and a perfect comprehension of death.

Tony and Ben, due to your failure to comprehend the irony in the sacrifice for Tank, I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your souls. Ben, you do have a point though, you should be able to take at least two shots. And that's assuming you get shot point blank.

Damn, Mike. That was rather...thorough. Hey give me a call this weekend if you need help twisting the knife out of my back. K thanksbye.
haha, leebs. goddamn fizios. tte. 4rb.

monica would not only have to die giving birth, but also give birth to an ugly baby, much like the one we witnessed at kobe.

sara i think should die after consuming a sandwich which she (in her old age) neglected to realize contained mayonnaise. and, unfortunately for her, this particular smear of mayonnaise would happen to be laced with cyanide.

mike - would die straining too hard on a poo

ben - definitely murdered by a pack of crazed, loud, annoying, washu psych major girls

lee - dies of food poisoning after finishing spoiled leftovers ... a ffs was his ER doc
Just because something is improbable doesn't necessarily make it ironic. Here are some examples of irony:

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought ... it figures

It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...
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